


Twenty Four Prompts, a Pirate, a Veteran of Well Meaning Mishaps, and an Indeterminate Amount of Poorly Trained Palace Guards

by UbiquitousSpontaneities



Series: Side Quests and Small Talk [8]
Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: ...over crime and jail breaks, AKA, Bonding, Crack, Dialogue prompts, Gen, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Prompt Fic, Swearing, all in good fun though, everyone else is technically there but its mainly them >:3, gratuitous references, jail break, legend's linguistic know-how and wind's piratical background, let these kids have their fun, wholesome Legend and Wind banter bc jeez do we need that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24892987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UbiquitousSpontaneities/pseuds/UbiquitousSpontaneities
Summary: So, you’re probably wondering what the hell is going on.As far as Wind can tell, they got arrested under charges of "vigilantism and public nuisance." What he does know for sure is that they're having way too much fun with this prison break.Aka, I took a list of forty dialogue prompts and crammed as many of them into a single fic as possible.
Relationships: Legend & Wind (Linked Universe)
Series: Side Quests and Small Talk [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1493024
Comments: 11
Kudos: 133





	Twenty Four Prompts, a Pirate, a Veteran of Well Meaning Mishaps, and an Indeterminate Amount of Poorly Trained Palace Guards

**Author's Note:**

> unending shoutouts to the amazing [Hiro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiros_Heart/pseuds/Hiros_Heart) for helping me and to the lovely [anourth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/htruona/pseuds/htruona) for inspiring me with her own amazing crack - you're doing the good work. go read their stuff!! its amazing!! 
> 
> the prompt list is [here](https://drink-it-write-it.tumblr.com/post/620039435231297536/dialogue-prompt-list) in case you'd like to see it, i'm kinda sad i couldn't use _all_ forty but i figured sticking to one theme was for the best... maybe i'll do the rest of the more serious ones in another fic >:3  
> or, if you'd like, pick one out and gimme a character, i'll do a drabble for you 
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy!!! have a lovely day <3

“Did you seriously _throw me in the dungeons?_ Do you know who I am?” Legend practically squawked, voice indignant and high as the duo stumbled into the precariously preposterous room. For one, there was a rather conspicuous chasm at the back of it - a, as disgusting as it was, craphole for the less polite of society and none of their business for those of more distinguished tastes. For another, there was absolutely no reason for their incarceration, how was he to know that you could be arrested just for loitering. And maybe a bit of vigilante justice.

The voice behind him that snickered at that sounded suspiciously like a stifled Wind’s, but Legend kept going. 

“Prepare to feel really bad about yourself, asshole, because I’m-! Aaaand, he’s gone. That’s just wonderful.”

With a frustrated sigh, he plopped himself down on the rather grimey floor - was this level of neglect _really_ necessary? He’d seen _dungeons_ with better janitorial upkeep, ones with actual, real life villains in them rather than just misguided public servants. He never would understand why Onox was so into the whole tidiness thing. 

“Oh no, Legend, everything’s ruined now,” Wind drawled, slumping into his side despite an overdramatic grin slicing through the gloom. “We’ll never get to finish the quest - tell Aryll I loved her.” 

“Okay, and I’ll make sure your sword goes to her and your attitude to Tetra - not that she needs it.”

“I have a criminal record now, this’ll haunt me to my grave. My one crime, ever,” the boy moaned, scuffing a well loved boot against the floor and fiddling with a blue stone that twinkled merrily in the scant light, both gifts from possibly the only person the two knew with a longer rap sheet than themselves. 

“Ah yes, the interdimensional time police will hunt you down to the Great Sea, how tragic for you,” Legend said, reclining back in an entirely uncomfortable position to get a particularly unpleasant view of the ceiling - the cobwebs and assorted molds and grime sprawled unnaturally, a twisting, twirling pattern entirely unlike a dance. “I’ve committed a crime too you know, but only once.”

“Yup. Only once.” They nodded in unison, before Wind flopped to the floor, sprawling unfortunately close to the, well, hole. 

“Oh! Well, that’s fun! Sorry, I just looked down. Do _not_ recommend it,” he cried, as he scrambled back. Legend laughed.

“You know, I didn’t expect to be back in one ‘a these so soon,” he mused, fidgeting with the buckle of his belt. 

“Once is never enough, is it,” the boy muttered back. Legend could tell he was curious, given the frantic one-two side glances Wind gave him, and he winked, if only to stoke the fire a little more. He huffed, and Legend let out a laugh once more. Geez, any more of this and he’d have _another_ of these schmucks thinking he’s soft. 

“ _Everything_ is a pretty big word, pal, I don’t think you quite need to worry about it _all_ being ruined yet,” he said, finally brandishing a rather well used - he liked to call it well loved but those among his more professional of friends (read: Zelda) didn’t share the same sentiment given the number of broken locks in the palace dungeons - set of picks, hidden tidily away in the compartments of his belt. 

Their eyes met.

“Now Wind, I’ll have you know, there are absolutely no excuses for what I’m about to do, and if you ever let Twilight hear of this, I will- Well. I think it’s better to leave it to your imagination.” But the smile on the pirate’s face grew, the smile of one who knew for a fact that he would never let this drop and that there would be lessons in the near future, incrimination be damned. “I’ll ignore that for the sake of getting the hell out of here - Eyes up, stay sharp, and try to find our _krifagen_ swords won’t you?”

…

The exhilaration of the moment trickles out when, instead of the telltale little ‘click’ and jingle that echoes from… somewhere, when he succeeds, all Legend heard was a crack and the first of his pics falls out of the lock in two. They stare at it for a moment. 

“Ah,” Wind hums. “I take it that’s not ideal.”

The words in Legend’s mouth were quite clearly foul - that much is clear no matter how many centuries of translation issues there are, and he nearly threw the case to the floor before his eyes fell on his wrist. Of course they wouldn’t have the mind to take that -

“I’m an idiot,” he says, and disappears into the wall, doorway, and hallway outside to kick the door open. “Should’a done that from the start.”

Wind sat there, agape. 

“Wh- what. When the FUCK could you do that.”

“A magician never tells,” and the smirk sets Wind’s blood ablaze.

“Oh no, you’re telling, if you don’t, I’m gonna-”

The next few moments were lost in a flurry of the door flinging open, the two charging out of the room at top speed, and finding themselves in an entirely empty hallway. After a few unnecessarily dramatic air punches and kicks, Wind spoke. 

“Well, that was disappointing. I expected at least a few guards, that one dude looked at me weird.” 

Legend nodded agreeably, as if he completely understood the desire to properly deck a perfectly respectable member of the Royal Guard. 

He almost went to speak, before one of said respectable individuals took a leisurely and unobservant stroll directly into their little corridor. 

The stumble to a halt was almost comedic, given it took the poor man nearly an entire minute to realize that two recently-arrested fugitives were quite literally-

“Are you two- are you two trying to escape?”

“Wow, I think he’s cracked the code, Legend,” Wind said flatly. “Our cover’s been blown, however shall we handle this.”

The man stood there dumbfounded, eyes flicking between one figure and the next as he scrambled for whatever he was supposed to do. 

Samuel was a simple man. He’d honestly only taken the guard job for a little extra cash in the off season, when the farms were too dry or too wet or just plain too dead for planting or harvest, and his and Jax’s wedding fund had welcomed the added income. And he’d gotten lucky too - it was a fairly simple job, once the war was over and all they really had to worry about was the stray keese wandering into the castle or a particularly frustrating rapscallion making off with some humble peasant’s wares. It was a simple life, and he prided himself on it, not being one with his head lost in the clouds and neck risked at every turn. If every guard in the force had their eyes set on fame and the chicanery it involved then nothing would ever get done around here. So he kept his head down and followed orders. 

He was starting to really regret that decision. 

When he’d passed Alex and Joen in the hall just moments before, catching mutters of pickpockets and general tomfoolery, he hadn’t really expected a man with the build of a traveling acrobat - or, maybe, the guards that trailed after them - and an almost neon shock of pink hair and a boy with a devious grin and an apparent penchant for illogical air punches. But despite the smirk and the rolling eyes, they carried themselves like they very much knew what they were doing. These weren’t people seeking fame or attention, these were those who had it and knew it, had snatched it up in their fists and grown tired of it - or recognized it’s uselessness, which he could respect - and tossed it aside like a discarded toy. Either way, he was not particularly fond of the glint in their eyes and the clenching of fists, among other things. 

Much more than he was regretting following his patrol orders, he was starting to rethink getting out of bed that morning and wondered, fruitlessly, whether there was any way he could somehow miraculously wake up in it, perfectly safe and sound and far from any pickpockets wielding a particularly vicious grin. 

“I’m very anti-banter, if you will. So can we get a move on and you know, mosey our way on out of here? I’m sure you understand. Things to do, people to save, you get the gist” Legend said, tucking away his (faulty) lockpicks before straightening and gesturing vaguely towards the hall ahead of them.

At the movement, Samuel’s blade faltered, quivering in a knuckle-biting tight grasp. There was no way in Nayru’s blue skies he’d risk this sort of thing, and he was fairly certain that if he tried it would only get worse. But, he still had a duty, so Samuel coughed out, “Uh. Is there… anyway I can get you to… not? Do that?”

“I’m about to take the high and possibly annoying road and tell you, no.” 

“Ah. Well then. I guess I’ll leave you to it.” 

In what was likely the best decision he’d made that day, Samuel elected to save his own hide and pretend he’d never seen them. Maybe he’d just - you know, no one could fault him for taking a trip down to the kitchens right about now, could they? He’d definitely seen something sketchy down there… and the others could handle these two of course. These two that he definitely didn’t see and who were absolutely not saluting him sloppily and practically skipping down down the hallway. No, definitely not. 

What had they been arrested for again? Nevermind - not important. 

So, in the interest of keeping his life simple and his neck properly safe, he promptly left the two to their own devilish devices and turned the other way. 

Joen and Alex could handle it, anyhow. 

“Okay that was… odd,” Wind said, staring down after the man who had very abruptly turned on his heel and moseyed his own way away from them. 

“Not the strangest thing I’ve seen from one of these- Here,” and he thrust a sturdy but simple dagger into his hands, the hilt dull in the dim lamplight, but the insignia couldn’t be more clear. 

“Legend, you son of a bitch, did you just-” 

“Yeah asshat, now let’s go,” and Wind laughed once again. He somehow suspected that an escape probably shouldn’t be this entertaining. It definitely wasn’t for Samuel who he’d just swiped this blade from, and he suspected that it wouldn’t be anywhere near that for the next two they encountered. 

The footsteps were loud, echoing a mocking crescendo back and forth through the dingy hallways. So their stumble to a halt was one of shock and pure jumpiness, a shot to the heart of adrenaline and anxiety and all the motivators of a foolhardy man. Legend peaked a tentative look around the corner before nodding to Wind. 

With a long, drawling step forward and a sloppy wave hello, the guards’ eyes narrowed. 

“You,” one scowled, reaching for a knife identical to the one Wind held tight between his teeth - hey, if he was gonna lean into this whole pirate thing he might as well look the part. Tetra didn’t get to have _all_ the fun.

“Yup! It’s me,” Legend grinned. “How have you two been? Having fun on your little powertrip?”

The other man scoffed, pushing past his still rather angry compatriot to back the still smirking Legend up against the wall. In turn, the Hero lounged back, a disinterested assessment of the man’s blade his only comment. Terrible condition, truely. Did no one understand the basics of taking care of a sword? Nearly as bad as Wild, this one. 

“Oh, you know the last few minutes had been lovely without the sound of your blaspheming voice, have you finally come up with a reason why we should know who you are?” 

“Of course my good sirs, I believe I’m what you would be inclined to call a Hero?”

“Yeah, and I’m _Princess-fucking-Zelda_ , I’m not seeing any little green caps - are you, Alex?”

“Well, you see, fairytales do seem to be a bit rubbish sometimes, don’t they asshole?” The second, who Wind had been eying for some time now - Alex, he assumed - sputtered. “Now, would you mind moving your face before i smash it in? I promise beating you guys up isn’t a habit of mine, but it does seem to happen much too frequently.” 

“Bold words for a man with a literal knife to his throat, where’s that little-”

And Wind slammed into him, like an avenging angel shot from a cannon - okay maybe more like a rock, but the sentiment was there. 

“Right there actually, but it’s nice to see you remembered! Isn’t it lovely when the bastards who arrested you actually care, Wind?” 

Before he could respond, the man threw him off, sending Wind flying into Alex and slamming the duo to the ground in a mess of limbs and blades. Legend dove forward, snatching up the discarded sword and lunging for the man who had pinned him. Somewhere behind him he heard Wind grab the knife again, dodging a clumsy blow from Alex as he came up beside him. 

“Back off bucko, or I’m gonna start swingin’ ” the boy said in a thick, put-on “pirate” accent Legend had never heard anyone use in his _life_ (and he knew a surprising amount of pirates). Legend barked a laugh, and glared at his own opponent. 

A swipe forward, glancing off a sloppy block from the man’s shaky steel and twisting back around to attack again, Legend neatly ducking away from one attack after the next and returning them in full force, setting the still-unknown guard to the perpetual defensive and Legend to having way too much fun with this. 

Even timeline divergence couldn’t change how poorly these guys were trained it seemed, and he did pity their superiors. Maybe he should talk to Twilight about it. Seemed a little dangerous. Anyway- 

“Sticks and stones may break my bones” - and he leant forwards, narrowly dodging a swipe from Alex’s blade behind him, caught by Wind in the nick of time - “but a crowbar would do it _so_ much quicker. Dear god man hurry it up, we really don’t have all day!” 

“Why won’t you two just give up?” Alex panted, casting a frantic look towards Joen as Wind made another close attack, pushing their motley crew even closer to the end of the hallway. “Would make this whole mess a lot easier.”

“Sorry mate, not just yet. We’re much too stubborn for that,” Wind grinned, feinting the borrowed dagger towards the man’s face. The shield came up, maybe the one move these castle fools had actually bothered to learn, and Wind leapt forward, planting his foot solidly on it before launching himself forward and diving into a roll. 

“Run!”

And so run they did. Some other Link might have thought that yelling your intentions would have been rather stupid, to put it bluntly, but those other Link’s weren’t Legend and Wind so their opinions on the matter didn’t matter. Didn’t matter _yet_ at least. 

Legend darted forward, locking his opponent’s blade against his hilt and flipping it his hand, slamming the flat side into the wall beside them. With a punch for good measure, he bolted out the door after Wind, kicking the magic in his heels into action and swinging Wind onto his back. The sour shock of speed magic enveloped them, and the two raced out onto a parapet, wooden and quivering beneath the heavy footfalls of enchanted boots and the guards on their heels. 

The two were left scrambling for a bit, like a pair of keese lost in an aviary of particularly vengeful cuccos, but they sort themselves out and end up on a path to the courtyard, the castle gates - and the only way over the moat - looming before them. 

“Legend - Legend you might want to duck!” Wind shouted, and he did, stumbling to a clumsy halt and racing down a set of rickety stairs. An arrow rocketed over their heads, followed by a row of shouting and the two are off again, Alex and whatever-his-name-is somehow back at the head of the pack. Wind clambers off and tosses the flimsy standard-issue dagger to Legend. A glance and he’s off to the portcullis, an odd assortment of gates and doors that has his eyes tracing their lines up and up and _geez_ was this place huge. 

Legend’s close behind him, spun towards the mass of swords and stumbling guards that’s growing nearer every moment. He’s weaponless, but he’d protected himself before with less. Back to the wall, their options were slimming, and fast. Medallions - majorly bad idea, plus he didn’t think Twilight would be too fond of him permanently destabilizing the weird plateau or whatever his Hyrule Castle was built on. And Dusk was… fierce, to put it lightly. Fierce in that slightly detached, all-to-aware-of-her-power and utterly _terrifying_ once you got on her nerves kind of way. Ember seeds were an equally bad idea, and gale seeds were mostly useless (though he was slightly curious of how they’d react to being so drastically temporally displaced - Labrynna was starting to look downright _tame_ compared to this whole mess). But there was one thing gale seeds did best, and who was he to blame if a few of the rowdier guards ended up in the bushes?

He tossed a mention of their still confiscated swords over his shoulder and dived into the fray, or, more accurately, over it. A gale seed sat shattered beneath him as he rocketed over the crowd, rolling into a drop before flinging the next couple into his pursuers faces. 

There - third floor, two doors down and two floors up from where they’d entered - another guard, two packages, both suspiciously shaped like swords. He snapped another seed in midair, flinging himself over to the balcony. Like stone tossed at a flimsy, single pane window, he slammed into it, scrambling to grab a hold before reaching up towards the third floor and clambering over the railing.

The man shrieked, nearly tossing the two blades over the side as he jumped. The dagger in his face served to be a proper motivator, he tossed a mental thanks to Wind.

“I’ll take those,” Legend said, darting forward for the swords and racing towards the stairs.

The sheath was slung over his shoulder as he skidded around the corner, hands flying to fasten it back in place as fast as he could.

“You seem a decent fellow, I’d hate to see you get hurt,” he called, slamming to a stop. The guard stumbled, collar caught in Legend’s fist. 

“What are you-” And the man shouted for reinforcements, feet thundering up the steps mere inches in front of them. 

“I’m trying to save your life, you idiot. Three story falls,” he said, tossing the man away from the landing, “I really don’t recommend.” 

He then, of course, jumped over the railing, and fell the very same three stories, landing in a spectacular arc onto a graceless pile of two swords, at least seven guards, and his very rapidly depleting supply of gale seeds. 

You know, maybe he was having a little too much fun with this. 

But there wasn’t time for that sort of doubt, so he magicked his boots into high gear and shot back towards Wind, tossing the boy his own mystical blade. He keeled over for a moment, breathing hard and fast - hey, just because the boots were _magic_ didn’t mean he didn’t still have to _run -_ and he waved off Wind’s concerns. 

“Okay, I have something I need to get off my chest,” the kid was practically bouncing at this point, and he flung open the final gate with far more pizzazz than necessary, but that seemed to be proving itself the theme of the night. “That was the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen and if you dont show me how you did that, i might just set Wild on you for doing that kind of bullshit without him.”

“Wind, I appreciate it but _reall_ _y_ not the time, we should really be running right about now.” 

The roar of feet against the bridge behind them seemed a fitting punctuation to that.

* * *

“There is no way Twilight will not be angry with us the moment we step foot in there.”  
  
“Yup.”  
  
“I can sense it in my bones like a dog senses a tsunami.”

“Wind, you didn’t even know what a dog _was_ until a few weeks ago, what in the world are you talking about.” 

And the door to the inn flung open, homey and welcoming if not for the stone cold stare on Twilight’s face in the doorway. 

Before he could speak, Wind slung an arm around Legend’s neck, dragging him down to his own level and said, “We’ve grown quite fond of each other, haven’t we Legend?” as if they had been having a perfectly normal conversation about how much they appreciated each other the entire time. Definitely in character for them, obviously, and Twilight’s furrowed brows definitely didn’t grow a little more exasperated. “Mhm, we have, in our _trip to the market.”_

“Sure Wind, absolutely,” Legend deadpanned. Ignoring their - and this was putting it lightly - ragged clothes, completely disheveled hair, and miscellaneous cuts and bruises, was feasible, but the massive grins on their faces was a bit more condemning than the aspiring escapists could have hoped. “Our perfectly normal trip to the market, to gather supplies. They were out sadly, so we couldn’t find any! Truly tragic Twilight, so sorry about that.” 

He leant against the doorframe and picked at a nail. Twilight’s face fell deeper into his hands. 

“Legend, if I asked you guys where the hell you were, would I regret it?”

By this point, the others had crowded about the door and Hyrule pushed his way to the front to size the two up with a glance. 

“You got arrested, didn’t you,” he said, and Legend froze. 

“You’re such a tattletale!” Wind pouted. 

“How? How could you possibly tattle on us for something you weren’t even there for!” Legend cried, and Twilight’s sigh grew from long-suffering to earth-shattering. 

“I just,” he waved his hands around a bit, “know these things Legend,” and Hyrule walked away. 

Wind chimed in next, with an entirely unhelpful, “You don’t need to worry Twi, we were perfectly safe!”

“Oh, thank the goddesses,” a late-coming Sky said, “What’s happening exactly?”

“We were arrested! By Twilight’s Castle’s Guards! It was a lot of fun actually -”

“Ah. Clearly, this is some strange use of the word safe that I wasn’t previously aware of. Because if it isn’t, you appear to be telling me you disappeared? And broke the law? In my hometime? Without telling anyone where you were going?”

The pause was a heavy as a sack of bricks, and loaded with just as many sharp edges. 

“And I know you’re not telling me that. If what I think what’s happening, is happening, it better not be.”

“But it did!” Wind - the mischievous little bastard - chirped, and Legend clapped his hands about his grinning mouth - ew _did Wind just lick him?_

In what might have been the second best decision of the night (second only to Samuel’s very wise avoidance of any kind of conflict, who currently found himself in the Castle kitchens smuggling out a pastry for Jax - okay look it was their anniversary and _maybe_ he’d forgotten to get him something before his shift -) Twilight called out to Time, who stepped outside with their quickly growing herd of onlookers.

“This ‘serious voice’ thing isn’t working is it?” Twilight sighed -

“Nope!”

“Nu-uh.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.”

\- glared, and continued, “ _Time,_ would you please-” 

Time stared at them all for a moment more, and looked forlornly into his empty water cup. 

“I chose the wrong week to quit drinking.”

If they’d thought the chicanery that had gone down at the castle had been ‘a bit much,’ the hilarity that followed was the equivalent of a metric fuckton more. 

“Time- Time you don’t drink? Time what the fuck?” Twilight sputtered, while Wild finally broke down into snickering tears and Sky stood there staring. “ _Time._ Time _wait,_ come back!” 

Thankfully, the day ended without too much of a fuss. They eventually found Time, wandering the streets wistfully and leading Warriors and Twi on a wild goose chase for a fully grown man. Samuel got home and wasn’t fired, but he got the feeling that Alex and Joen were a little… cross with him at evening muster. And supplies weren’t and issue really. There was the matter of Twilight’s Princess summoning him to the castle to explain a not insignificant amount of damage to her main fighting force -

“Well, if she’d just train them better then this wouldn’t be a problem-”

“Legend, shut up and hide me, Dusk’s gonna kick my ass.”

Well, at least Wind got a cool new knife out of it. And at the end of the day, wasn't that what mattered? 

The shouts behind him seemed to say otherwise, but Wind prided himself on looking on the bright side of things. 

  
  
  



End file.
